Archive for March, 2010

Welston and how the world was born

Monday, March 29th, 2010

There are many stories that tell of how the world came to be, some of them begin with nothing, some with almost nothing, some with tiny bits of nothing exploding into something. There are very few of these stories that begin with Welston, this is one of those stories.

Welston was a god of sorts, but not the kind that received the prayers of men, in part because he had no ears, but mostly because there were no men. Welston had existed for at least as long as he could remember, which wasn’t very long at all, but that wasn’t the slightest bit relevent because there was no time. Welston just was… and then he sneezed.

The mucous of existence ejected from Welston’s sad earless face with a force so explosive that, all the things which aren’t Welston came to be. On a gush of finely sprayed sputum, the processes  and reactions stumbled into line, into matter, into energy and light, into suns and stars, into our little blue bulb.

And of Welston? With nothing firm beneath his feet, Welston was sent, with all the energy of the universe, tumbling away from it, away from the only something that Welston ever knew.

Us and Welston diverging for eternity never again to meet.

Useful Information

Monday, March 29th, 2010

The most useful Answer ever.

Danger Cake

Friday, March 26th, 2010

Ingredients

  • 200 ml expired cream
  • 4 Extra ripe bananas
  • 3 dead fruit flies
  • 100 grams of butter
  • 1/2 tsp vanilla essence
  • 1/2 tsp bicarb soda
  • Self raising flour
  • 2 eggs
  • Allspice

Instructions

  • Ignore expiry date on cream and open carton.
  • Use a fork to pierce the thick surface cream layer.
  • Empty the runniest of the cream into a saucepan, straining chunky bits with a fork. Heat gently until not boiled but probably safe.
  • Scrape Vegemite smears from butter and place into mixing bowl.
  • Add vanilla essence and probably safe cream, mix until combined.
  • Add bicarb soda, allspice and eggs, mix well.
  • Mash bananas and fruit flies stir into a wet slurry.
  • De-lump flour with a fork and try to remove weevils.
  • Combine weevilled flour and slurry until it has the consistency of paint.
  • Pour into greased cake pan.
  • Turn oven to hot and bake until dangerous.

Serves 4 strangers.
Side effects may include vomiting, diarrhea and Danger Cake Theme Song.

There was always the new

Friday, March 5th, 2010

It was 1998, Christmas there-of and I was ushered into a corner and asked if I’d like to earn some money.

“Of course!” I chimed, elated at the prospect; and with those words, the ink was dry and I was at desk – with computer, at phone – with conference and caller ID, at office – with smell of mould and decomposing cement and tattered carpet and inexplicable sink.

The month passed slowly, the jobs varied and came at the end of a single sentence command.
“Design the Christmas Card!”,  I did.
“File the action reports!”, I did.
“Make a database!”, I did.
“Go home!”, I did.

I was excited at this money earning endeavour, I did odd things like sleep in full business attire + cap, use a unisex bathroom and entirely give up thinking about what to do with the rest of my life.

And so it began, the first new.  The new that decided my path, discarded of hope for the future I began my pursuit of this life I have. The new that filled the waking hours, stalled my plans for travel, my plans for riches, my plans for excess.

This week: a new a new. Two steps closer to god, two steps further away from everything else.

Every opportunity is a choice, each has a path and you can’t travel both.